Using crow calls to make toms gobble

I have found the perfect re-usable metaphor. It was while searching Amazon that I discovered this incredible book:

Advanced Turkey Hunting: Turkey Hunting's Top Experts Reveal Their Secrets for Success (The Complete Hunter) Hardcover.

While there are no wild turkeys in Saskatchewan, Alberta, or Manitoba, I am tempted to believe that this book could be a best-seller in the prairies by a quick look at its index.

The Calling Turkeys entry might have been lifted out of a call-centre initiation booklet. The sixteen ear-marked pages include the “Sit & Call” strategy, How turkeys respond to calls, Call-shy turkeys, “Educating” turkeys, Pre-season, Calling competitions, Turkey reactions, and finally, When not to call.

If all those things fail, then one must learn to cackle.

Cackling, 31
When to cackle, 54, 100

One item in the list that disturbs me is “shock-gobbling.” Is this the Bush Administration equivalent to a turkey questioning period? I would guess it involves gobbling in an atrocious manner of a born-again, tongue-fluttering evangelist, so that the turkey suffers the “awkward pause” syndrome and is too embarrassed to run.

Another great way to stun turkeys is to simply imitate them, otherwise known as Calling Competitions - also a popular call-centre tactic (incidentally, this is also a good way to avert call-center callers). I can understand what is appealing in turkey hunting when it comes to imitation. That said, rather than take up hunting, I am going to incorporate what’s good about turkey calls and imitation in other parts of my life, such as in the office, and on the phone.

One fascinating index entry is called Putting turkeys to bed. If this is some sort of euphemism, guess what, it works, because I have no idea what the hell it is. Is it sort like when you put quiche to bed, and you fold it into another quiche? I can only assume turkey hunting Spartans are attempting to gain turkeys’ trust before the attack.

“If we tuck them into bed tonight, they’ll trust our breakfast-in-bed in the morning – which will make them extremely drowsy, what with all the saturated fat.”
“Brilliant!”

It screams James Bond villainy, as does the Run & Gun Strategy. Why does the run come before the gun? And what about the fun? And why do killing strategies rhyme?

If this review hasn’t made you want to buy this book already, maybe you need to learn about Turkey activities in cold weather. I’m a November baby so I know what I’m talking about.

Oh, one more thing, I hate hunting. But I relish the thought of men and women trying to kill turkeys by ruffling imaginary feathers, rolling around in leaves, and making crow sounds in order to attract them. It almost makes me want to say the hunters/potential call-centre employees deserve to win.