Redemption by Johnny Depp

My brother, who is going to Bolivia tomorrow, gave me his advent calendar to finish. I was very touched when he said he was passing on the torch. This means I won't have to refill my own calendar, which I digested in a 4-day binge at the end of November when my hormones staged a mutiny, a la Johnny Depp (in the sense both of me eating chocolat and my hormones staging a mutiny - all around he's interfering with my life). When I told my brother about my own calendar, he said that he was giving me his on the condition that I don't eat the chocolates all at once. I agreed, since I'm now on a diet of no junk food.

My advent calendars are nothing compared to home advent calendars, specifically the world's largest, which is in Gengenbach, Germany. This is not to be confused with the world's largest 'anything' advent calendar, which was a contraption whose doors were 2X3 metres large and won its fame at a fair of the same name in Leipzig several years ago. What was inside, I'm not sure, but I guarantee it wasn't a 2X3 block of chocolate.

You may have never heard of home advent calendars before. I have a few questions myself; why is it a home and not an office? Is it because office employees would pay heed to their boss' overzealous holiday spirit to block out their windows one by one in order to win fame in a book only a hundred people read? Is it a ploy to crush workers' resolve to live while desperation is hot around holiday time?

I'm not making up giant advent calendars to make myself feel better or because I'm a lover of giant things. In German they're called Haus-Adventkalender.

I would like to know how I can create a giant calendar of my own, preferably a non-edible one, and one that I can broadcast to the neighbours so they can enjoy my Christmas spirit. Outside accountability will also prevent a similar advent crime as what occurred in my house in November of this year.

I suggest a four-pronged approach and thinking inside the box. The box will be the advent calendar. The four prongs are Mary, Jesus, and two of the wise men.

The two wise men (three is awkward for architects) will help me construct an advent calendar-facade for my house in the suburbs. Mary and Jesus will sit on the overhang, praying for me.

Behind the facade will be 24 cuckoo clocks that will spit out candy for the neighbourhood children every day at noon. The entire facade will be constructed of solar panels, which will fuel the system, thereby making it compliant with the Kyoto Accord, and my stringent environmental/health/ethical standards. It's the perfect holiday item in line with new century morals. If you're a wise man or have an engineering/carpentry degree, call me as soon as possible. Advent is half over, and Lent won't be as fun.