The only thing keeping me warm is this inefficient lightbulb

It snowed last night and I have no idea how to program our furnace. My roommate bought a programmable thermostat and banging away at its buttons for the last half hour has done nothing.

My roommate is in Peru, as she migrated with the sun. Our house is an ice-box and she's sitting in a tropical forest somewhere, smug in the knowledge she's saving us energy.

I have purposely not changed my lightbulbs to fluorescent, because they're the only thing besides body heat keeping my room at a liveable temperature.

I've also renamed our toaster "space heater" and our stove "sauna bath." The only difference between our stove and a sauna bath is there's no luscious German man swatting the steam around with the same towel he ties around his waist.

Where are you now, sauna man? I'm huddled over a toaster.