In Labour

Our new furnace has had a difficult birth. It woke us up this morning at 7:45. The sound of crows segued to the beeping of a reversing truck to the sound of chainsaws. I looked behind my blinds and saw my neighbour and three yellow-vested men staring at something on our front lawn, which I couldn't see from my window.

WTF I thought and said several times just to be sure I was awake.

Wait, was I drunk last night? Was I drunken-accordioning last night. Shit. SHIIIIT. What other disasters occurred?

I threw on clothes and marched down the stairs with a little military flair, thundering down, ready to evict whatever illicit construction gang-bang had pooled on my lawn.

I opened the door, stepped down, and almost toppled into a grave-sized hole.

Two meters from my head was a Caterpillar shovel balancing a wedge of our former entrance path like a piece of raw pork on a butcher's scale.

*Screams*

That was my beautiful patio. And by patio, I mean the concrete path that I never shovelled. Miraculously, in the centre of this metal-dirt-snow disaster my pot of shrivelled chrysanthemums was still intact.

I shut the door and my roommate brushed past me whistling.

Roommate: It's the gas company! They're finally here to install the gas line for the new furnace.
Me: What the hell are they doing here at such an ungodly hour?
*Roommate glowers.*

I gazed in longing at our current state of heating - dozens of space heaters and their cords curled ominously around every piece of furniture in the living room. Suddenly I was ok with the space-heaters.

It is now 3:00 p.m. this afternoon. I am sitting at my desk and my curling iron is inching off of my glass-topped desk from the vibrations.

I just had a conversation with my friend about the house.

me: the house is vibrating again
Dave: under normal circumstances that'd be exciting, but I've seen your house
it might dislodge some stucco from the side of the house
me: or the house might collapse. One or the other
Dave: no, I think it would take an act of god and satan working together to finally topple your house . It's the building that refuses to die so long as carleton students seek near-campus housing
me: by god and satan you mean a burning crucifix that happens to fall on the house?
Dave: er, you haven't had that happen, have you?I put nothing past your party-hosting skills
me: It wasn't a burning man themed party
Dave: I meant more like god and satan shaking hands and saying, "We've had our differences since the dawn of creation, but let's agree to disagree and bring this mother down."
also, satan is played by gary oldman
me: who would play God?
Dave: Barack Obama
or rather, god would play Barack Obama
if Barack Obama personally condemned your home, wouldn't that be super cool?

Even Barack Obama could not make this situation better. Just as the devil could not make it worse.

If God and the devil are willing to make a pact, I'm willing to collapse-proof my stuff and then get the hell out of here for December.

Lennoxville here I come.