I know how dirty those tray tables are

A German airline recently announced the launching of a nude flight. As a well-seasoned plane traveler, I have a few qualms.

At first glance, it's a brilliant marketing idea. I'm sure they spent long hours contemplating what they should name it: "Frankflyer" and "Lufthansaoffamybum" were probably shortlisted.

Listening to an interview on CBC about the airline, I couldn't help but not be surprised. The Germans have this ability to take something absurd, like public nudity, and act as if it were the most normal thing in the world. I can hear the flight announcement now: "Meine Damen und Herrn, please prepare for landing by making sure your seat and table tray are in their full and upright positions, and by putting your underwear and socks back on."

I insist you listen to the interview, since reading this excerpt will not convey the delightfully baffled tone of interviewer.

“For people who don't fly... in the nude, how... do you do this?”

(commence German accent) “They can only take their clothes off when they are on board, not in the airport or something like that. The crew and the pilot are dressed. They don't strip off. They fly in uniforms. When they are on the airplane, they can take off their clothing, and they sit on towels.”

Wohh. Are the seats made of beachwood cedar? Finally, for those of us who get overheated on planes because of anxiety and claustrophobia, we now have the option of airing our pores. Does the pilot swerve to make us sweat? Sweat and scream like we were in a sweat lodge? I hope somebody brought a drum.

The flight costs 500 Euro or about $750 CAN. For such a short trip, that’s pretty stiff, in more ways than one.

I’m disappointed the crew and the pilot have to wear uniforms. I guess this isn't part of my airplane fantasy series. Unless by uniform they mean bad, bad boy uniform...

When asked if there is any "special behaviour" of a sexual nature allowed, the woman said there are no special rules, just that the passengers must sit on towels. She stresses that "it's really meant seriously, you know."

No, I'm afraid I don't know. I've been to nude spas in Germany, and I cannot imagine wanting to be naked on an airplane. If anything, I want more clothes when I'm sitting face to face with a tray table that hasn't been cleaned in three years. When I eat those dried-out astronaut cookies, the crumbs already land in my lap and in my bra. I don't want to add douching to my travel plans. Besides, the little blast of cold air dries out my eyes. I don't want the air to dry out anything else.

So why do some Germans want to be nude at 30,000 feet?

"Freedom." This is why Americans and Germans don't get along. Americans think freedom is changing the name of French Fries to Freedom Fries and invading Iraq. Germans get naked on airplanes.

It might be for practical reasons. Maybe it speeds up security. Certainly no one will be mad if you make them take anything off.

Apparently, the airline, Ossi Urlaub, thinks it's "funny." As a journalist, I know that's not always a valid reason to put something into action.

Passengers fly from Frankfurt to the Baltic Sea, which is convenient since the destination has many nude beaches. 10 people are signed up so far.

I think I'll meet them by train.

*